So You Had Sex In Front Of Everyone On Your Birthday?

I have a funny story for you. It involves a lot of alcohol and the act of one genital penetrating another. No it’s not an episode of The Real Housewives. I want to tell you about what happened at my twenty-seventh birthday party, and why it will forever go down in history. It will be one of those things I’ll tell my grandchildren on my deathbed along with the time Nana had a sex slave.

I am somewhat infamous in my friend circle for causing a raucous on the day in which one celebrates their birth. People have said I morph into a whole other beast, and it’s true, I used to let totally fucking loosey-goose. But that resulted in me falling down a lot of stairs. I grew up somewhat and thought it was best to keep my face from falling off. After my twenty-third year I chilled my celebrations out quite a bit. Last year I practised yoga and went to the aquarium with my special gal pals. However as my twenty-seventh birthday approached I felt a tickle somewhere in the back of my chest, a swelling urge. Maybe…maybe…no, no I shouldn’t. “…Maybe I should have a party this year,” I thought.

I toyed with the idea until my inner little girl screamed “fuck it” (she’s so naughty) and so I planned the best birthday party ever-ever. I threw a classic British tea party. The dress-code was formal and dapper, or Alice in Wonderland inspired, with gender-bending strongly encouraged. It was my birthday after all, and my heart desired men in dresses and women with moustaches. Not so much to ask for. I baked scones and cookies and made a fabulous assortment of gourmet finger sandwiches with the crusts cut off. A lot of sparkling wine was passed around. My best guy friend hosted it at his new loft which was really sweet of him. Some great buddies of mine from Burning Man came down from St. Louis and brought me French whiskey the price of one pay check. I was really happy and I felt really special.

Around thirty to forty people came and they really outdid themselves. The costumes were undeniably amazing. Everyone drank shots from little, pink plastic teacups made for four-year olds. There were epic games of Twister. Half-way through the night my beau and I switched outfits. I put on his tuxedo and he wore my sassy ensemble. That’s when things started to get out of control. I was dancing on a chair in a baggy tux looking like Lucille Ball when someone yelled “take off your pants!” So in true drunk birthday fashion I did an impromptu burlesque strip tease for my lovely guests. I spent some time after that at the party just hanging out in my thong. Who do I think I am? Lindsay Lohan? I made out with at least five people other than my date, mostly girls. I walked up to a complete stranger and said, “Hey it’s my birthday party, can we make out?” She obliged. It was great.

As more drinks were poured and the sexual vibe of the party blossomed I snuck upstairs to the empty loft bedroom with my lover and we started to get frisky. I undid his pants and jumped on. As we were in the throes of passion two of my guy friends who had somehow noticed started quietly sneaking up the stairs and toward the bed. I turned around and the two of them were hiding at the foot of the bed, their eyes mischievously peering up. I looked back at my date and we giggled and decidedly kept going. One of them left and told more people until eventually there was about a ten person audience. There was witty banter and heckling. Different girls took turns coming onto the bed and kissing each of us. People watching randomly started kissing each other too. It was haphazard, it was hilarious, it was erotic, and it was unbelievably my life at that moment.

The next day the boy and I couldn’t look each other in the eyes without a glint and a giggle. We shook our heads laughing at one another. What did we do? Him and I asked ourselves. We were slightly embarrassed. As sexually open myself and many of my friends are, we still had to contend with the taboo restrictions that are inherently built in our psyches by society. We chatted about our concerns with each other. “Well, there are friends you have sex in front of and there are friends you don’t.” I said to him reluctantly. He still quotes that laughing. I was worried there are friends who witnessed these shenanigans that I’m not on that comfort level with yet. Well I guess I am now, I thought.

Then came seeing people again a few days later, sober. I sensitively scanned their faces for any judgement, peering into their eyes. Not a single person batted nary an eyelash. “Wow what a great party,” was the overriding consensus. I smiled mischievously at one of them, “Well, it got a bit carried away…” In actuality, everyone ended up telling me they loved the random sex show. Whether it was the wonderful and absurdly shocking entertainment value for them, or perhaps the humour, the sexual energy or something that quietly unlocked and satiated a deep interest to view and be an outsider. It’s not often you get exposed to something like that in the flesh. It’s natural and happens all of the time behind closed doors but we are so secretive and protective about it. After witnessing it, one of my friends said, “I think that needs to happen more often.” Not even in a pervy way. Just in an accepting and naturalizing manner that which broadens our experiences as human.

After speaking with many of them I felt no regrets over what had happened. It has actually made me feel in a weird way like more of a complete or whole person. There are many joys we deny ourselves stuck within the confines of what is acceptable. Things that don’t hurt anyone. Sex is such a great part of being alive and it has a strong power for connection. I know that night that I fully lived my life, and is there really a better way to celebrate the day you were born than that?

 

 

Word Poop on the Web & Twisted Ideas About Love

 

Journalism and articles on the web are reaching an all-time low if you ask me…and anyone else with eyes and a computer. Or blind people without eyes and a talking computer. Or cats who walk on your computer to get information through their paws because cats are secretly superior aliens.

Most written pieces being shared on Facebook shouldn’t even be considered articles. They should be considered the Black Friday gift packages being sold by Cards Against Humanity. Well, they should be considered something against humanity. The Buzzfeed lists are growing as ridiculous as this guy’s beard. How many lists can you honestly make? Soon they will be making lists of their own lists: “40 Buzzfeed Lists That Severely Annoyed People This Year. #4 Won’t Shock You At All.” Especially any online material surrounding the issues about love and relationships. I realize that some of you may feel that my blog falls into that category as well. I also realize that one of the only people who reads this blog is my ex-boyfriend when he is spying on me. Hey Niko, what’s up?

Take this farticle by Elite Daily, “The Beauty And Pain Of Falling In Love With The Right Person At The Wrong Time.” …Of course he loved her so intensely. He was eighteen! She was his first love! Hasn’t he heard the saying, “Like a fish one should look for holes in the net”? Wait, I mean, “You never forget your first love.” The dude hasn’t seen or spoken to her in ten years! He should find her and see how much weight she has gained and then see if he still agrees with this drivel he posted.

But in all seriousness, this article perpetuates a lot of myths and tropes and butt-crumbs about love and relationships that people still believe, which I think causes damage in a lot of love and relationships. I’ll explain why. Sorry, I have to make a list or else no one will read this. Not even Niko.

1. There is no “right” person. It’s like believing in soul mates…or God. There are many right people in the world that we could potentially co exist with. My friend is a legit sociopath, which actually means he is very logical and smart about a lot of things us non-sociopaths have trouble with. He told me “every relationship you have prepares you to be the person you need to become in order to be capable of having a good relationship.” So simple but often forgotten. He is happily married. The article is true that you need to be right with yourself and that you’ll find love again, but then it negates the whole premise that this chick was so super right for him.
2. There is no “wrong” time. He met her at exactly the right time. He learned a huge life lesson at eighteen and it was an excellent learning experience for him that made him the person he is today. That person is a pretty crap writer, but hey, it’s being eaten up by young Beliebers and self-effacing adults, so why not? I mean why was it the wrong time? Because they didn’t ride off into the sunset and live happily-ever-after together forever? As Dan Savage taught me, a relationship’s success isn’t measured by the length. Most relationships you have will end, therefore time is irrelevant. Every time will be the wrong time until it randomly becomes the right time. Then maybe you’ll get married and one of you will die and it will become the wrong time again.
3. The farticle says that you shouldn’t settle for someone you’re not obsessed with. He describes infatuation and real love as the same thing. As if people who have chill and stable relationships are also “intoxicated” by their partner. Intoxication makes you stupid and unruly which is the opposite of calm. My roommate was intoxicated last night and he fell over onto the coffee table and broke his wine glass. That was not the equivalent of something to be had in a relationship. People in healthy relationships genuinely appreciate and respect the other person. It’s mature with boundaries, not wild puppy love where your lover is on a pedestal. The kind of passion associated with losing yourself in someone like he describes creates drama. It’s important to be individuals and maintain a sense of self. You can’t have both.
4. “Missing someone is bad.” It’s a hell apparently. Missing someone is actually awesome. Thinking about someone positively is beautiful and it’s what makes the end of some relationships okay. The memories are what made it worthwhile. They are meant to be cherished. You have those forever. But they shouldn’t delude you. It ended for a reason and you need to respect that life happens.
5. Love is apparently the only reason why I should live my life. Not the simple pleasures and sensations of being human, like eating and shtupping. Or runner’s high or playing a trampoline game with my nieces or going tobogganing with friends. Apparently it’s not to pursue my passions and callings as a performer and a filmmaker or a trainer. It’s all love, that’s the “only purpose.” We are so love-crazy that it’s detrimental to our happiness. We are whole beings with many purposes that are all important and should all be nurtured equally.

   Here’s to hoping this article was crappy enough to get noticed.

Transcending The Evil Green Monster

I wish it was as cute as this. (Artist unknown)

“Jealousy.” Even the word is just yuck. The way it sounds is something reminiscent of jello and lice. To me it will always be one of the grossest human emotions of all time. The way it sticks to you and feels like gritty, unwashed teeth. How it bores a hole in your gut and gives you a dirty, queasy anxiety. Then there’s the guilt and shame associated with emoting such a negative stigma that most people seem to turn their backs against.

I have piercing bright green eyes and I have definitely been possessive, territorial and/or jealous more than once before. Sometimes I have felt that I am the green-eyed monster. The way it changes me and doesn’t represent my core values in relationships, like of autonomy, trust and compassion. Yet just when I thought I was struggling with something deep that would be very difficult to change, I’ve seen more than just light at the end of the tunnel. I’m warm, curled in the fetal position like a kitty on a windowsill, basking nude under a solar flare.

I can’t tell you how free I feel. I just had a reawakening. It can only be categorized as real love. What I mean by that, is an egoless expression of beauty and care for someone. I’m not saying I’m “in love” with this person, even though infatuation can feel like that sometimes. I’m saying I showed them true love as a human being. True love doesn’t know the word jealousy as I am beginning to understand. I experienced a desire to give someone full happiness which didn’t revolve around my sense of the self. It didn’t bear any weight on me, and in my fresh perspective it didn’t factor me in because it had nothing to do with me.

To explain, last night I had such a beautiful time with a gathering of gorgeous souls. In this friend circle, everyone’s light shines so brightly. Everyone appreciates each person a lot too, which magnifies it all times ten. I’ve been seeing an exquisite gentleman from this friend circle so he was present with me during the evening. Him and I had explosive cannon balls of fun. We took turns making out with girls. We kissed a girl’s mouth together at the same time. We split up, danced with other people, enjoyed ourselves to those people in the moment, and then reunited again. We told each other really nice things about one another. We told other people really nice things about them too. No, we weren’t on drugs. We appreciated women together and appreciated each other and then appreciated other men together too. I felt zero jealousy the entire evening. I didn’t scan the room to see if he was dancing with anyone. The green eyes did not flash once except in positive lust and admiration. He had randomly asked me, “What is okay? What will hurt you? How do you feel?” earlier in the night. I was surprised by my answers. However I was not surprised he asked. So far this man has been nothing but open, honest and considerate towards me.

For example, he had been seeing another lady long distance aside from me. He was seeing her before we met. And when we did randomly meet, he almost immediately told me about her so I knew his situation. Some would say that this kind of disclosure is completely unnecessary at this stage in time. Knowing this I still decided to see him. They weren’t monogamous and I respected their situation. Last night he told me they broke up. I hugged him. I consoled him. I told him I was sorry he was dealing with this loss. I had no satisfaction from their break up.

So one has to ask, what’s different this time? Is it me that has grown and changed or is it him as a person and our dynamic? I don’t like him less than anyone else I have been into but I have been far less jealous. After some scrutiny I have converged this little list of differing factors in hopes that if you deal with a jealous partner, or deal with your own jealousy yourself that this may give you some guidance and insight. I’m not saying if you have a jealous girlfriend this is how to get her to let you have a three-way make out session with that cutie you’ve noticed, but it could bring up factors in the relationship that are contributing to unease that you can improve on.

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1. I feel great about myself.

I have a strong, tangible vision of what I want of myself in the immediate future and I am working towards that diligently. I’m writing often. I submitted a grant application that took a lot of work. I have decided upon a day-job and vocation I feel positively about. I paid people back that I owed money. My photography is up for sale. I am working out like a beast. I love the way my body looks and feels. You can see it in my eyes and my smile. I have been showered with love lately by friends and strangers because that’s what I feel like I am putting out there. Two people last night said they’ve heard so many great things about me. It’s awesome. Basically in short, I’m doing something with my life so I feel fulfilled and purposeful and like I have a lot to offer. My own self value is healthy so I’m less afraid of others influence.

2. He feels great about himself too.

He is very passionate about his job and works hard. He runs crazy long-distance marathons up to 50km and plays on a sports team. He helps with cool art projects. I suspect these are some of the things that make him balanced with a good self-esteem. He has that chill, humbled confidence about him. Guys who don’t feel good about themselves, people who don’t feel good about themselves, are negative and usually likelier to try and provoke jealousy in weird, subconscious and annoying ways.

3. He appreciates me.

He thinks I’m lovely. Funny the same words I’ve used to describe him. He sends me texts the next day thanking me for little things I’ve done. He stops in the middle of sex to adore me a little and call me sexy or compliment something. He seems to build the people up in his life around him and say good things about them. His parents, his brother, his friends. If I compliment him he always compliments me back. I don’t need him to do that, but he’s being sincere so it feels good to know he feels the same way.
I know it sounds a little cheesy but he’s just nice and it gives me confidence in our connection. He’s also thoughtful which shows respect and consideration for my feelings. I haven’t felt like him kissing someone else, etc. is going to affect that.

4. He is super honest.

Trust is a huge factor here obviously. Through his actions I listed above I trust he does care about me and like me enough that he will consider how he affects me, because he already does. He gives full disclosure without me having to ask. I feel safe to rely on him.

4. He makes me feel generous and open.

Because he is so great to me, I want to make him happy. He hasn’t done anything that makes me feel wary, or guarded. I don’t feel as though I need to so strongly protect myself. He isn’t doing anything that hurts me or promotes insecurity, only the opposite.

5. I don’t have as much invested.

As much as I like him and enjoy him, I haven’t made any major sacrifices for him either. We haven’t made any commitment to each other which would raise the stakes. I do believe though that if we were to eventually (I’m in no rush, it’s great how it is right now), we have laid a solid ground work so far as a foundation. If I were to invest more time and energy and effort into him, I might feel more guarded and protective of my time, energy and effort. It tends to kinda work like that.

______________________________________________________________________

Basically in short, because he always considers me and holds me in the light, I feel more like we are sharing in something when we are being sexually playful with others rather than him selfishly wanting it for himself and his needs.

To be clear some jealousy, depending on how it’s externalized, is natural and normal and can be dealt with if both people are mature about it. There’s a point where someone’s jealousy can get too far and become abusive. I personally find a little bit of jealousy adorable if it’s of the small-scale, innocent variety. I have compassion for it because I have been there before. But is the jealousy controlling your behaviour? Does it cause you to act in a way where you don’t feel like yourself? Or is your partner behaving this way? Then there are some things to consider.

It can be difficult to differentiate if it’s just you being jealous or if your partner is being disrespectful and provoking jealousy. Especially if someone who provokes jealousy gaslights you. Gaslighting is an emotionally abusive tactic where the person who does something wrong acts as if you’re crazy for saying so, and makes you doubt yourself. It invalidates your experience and confuses you. Be careful of these mind games.

It’s funny because I’ve noticed calling someone “jealous” can be a gaslighting tactic in and of itself. If someone is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, it’s much easier for that person just to say you’re “jealous” instead of change the behaviour that makes you feel awkward. No one wants to be the jealous person. It’s like calling someone ridiculous.

Take some time to yourself to think about it and weigh the options and then have a very honest conversation about it. In my experience it’s never just one thing. It’s a combination of factors. Like being insecure with myself and then also dating someone who did certain things that brought that insecurity out in me. So both people should be open to making changes if you want to make it work.

Can Awkward Be Sexy?

I can be a total weirdo dork-face at times. I’ve crammed my foot so far down my throat that I burped up toe nail polish for days. Whether it’s blurting out inappropriate comments at random, falling flat on my face or having my sex buddy find toilet paper in my butt, (we were camping! My butt is big, it eats things!) I’ve been faced with my share of hilarious embarrassment. My sense of humour is constantly being tested by the Clown Gods. Luckily no one can laugh at myself better than I can.

When you’re a spaz like me you sorta have to. Which is exactly why I basically have no shame. You end up being able to joke about anything, your filter gets diffused more and more by the second and soon you’re telling strangers about your diva cup. It definitely helps me as a comedian when I’m pushing the limits trying to make myself as awkwardly, embarrassingly funny as possible. As a clown people are invited to laugh at me as I pretend to take myself very seriously. My favourite compliment about my performances are when people say, “I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to laugh. I thought maybe it wasn’t meant to be a joke.”

So what does this do with my sex life? Well I’ll tell you a funny story. I’ve met a boy who blows my mind. He’s sexy, he’s smart, he’s funny, he’s respectful and interesting. He has his shit together. He’s honest and a true gentleman. He has a great ass. I’m somewhat infatuated. We have such a natural rapport with one another and the sexual chemistry floors me. But it’s sort of a new thing and I’ve been playing it a bit cool. Ha, I mean trying to. I haven’t been putting my eggs all in one basket yet and I’m taking it slow, giving it time, as much as I just want to be his personal sex slave.

My best friend was intrigued by my mention of this fellow and asked for a picture. So I picked my favourite one off of Facebook and sent it to her. When she didn’t get it, I realized I had accidentally sent it…to him.

Ok laugh, I’ll give you a minute.

It’s funny, but he’s now been given what I like to call “the Naomi test.” It wasn’t a planned test, but here it is naked in the flesh. It’s not a secret anymore that I must like him. Also, this is who I am. A bit of an awkward Sally. If he likes me, he will find it endearing. If he has integrity and a good sense of humour, I personally think he will laugh it off. If not, I’m lucky to know that now. He would definitely be the wrong guy for me.

How did I handle it? I nervously laughed for a little while on the phone with my friend and then I told him the damn truth. I told him he could tease me about it later with a wink.

So yes, navigating the awkwardness takes some time. But that shit builds character. Own it and if confidence and a sense of humour ain’t sexy, well then Jennifer Lawrence and I are just super ugly.

-This article is dedicated to my celebrity girl crush Aubrey Plaza.

P.s. If you want to know, his response was of a time he did that before himself. Match? We’ll see…

How To Love A Girl Who Has Been Abused

Women who have been abused might require a little special care, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If you disagree please read on. The problem is not many people understand the dynamic of an abusive relationship and the psychological damage it can have on the survivor. I’m not a sensitivity specialist, but I have been abused. If you love a girl who has had to deal with this kind of trauma, I suggest you take a few of these pointers. Actually, any man should read this because you never know when you’re going to encounter a girl who has had to face this and you better know what the heck is up.

The sad thing here is that it’s not that uncommon. You won’t be hard-pressed to find a girl who has suffered some kind of abuse as a child, adult or both. The Canadian Women’s Foundation says “Half of all women in Canada have experienced at least one incident of physical or sexual violence since the age of 16” and “67% of all Canadians say they personally know at least one woman who has been sexually or physically assaulted.”  Despite the overwhelming evidence suggesting it’s popularity, when I searched the internet I found that there isn’t a lot of literature to educate men on how to be in a relationship with a woman who has suffered from abuse. The kind of men who don’t abuse women but don’t understand how it has affected her or how to cope with some of the issues associated with her abuse.

Abuse has many faces. Whether it’s physical, sexual, verbal or emotional, abuse can have a lasting effect on the human psyche. It could mean she suffers from PTSD or an anxiety disorder. Or it could mean that she is insecure, sensitive, and wary among other things. It might be hard for some men to understand this, and I don’t say that in a belittling sense. Men have grown up being treated differently than women, and could see things differently. It might be difficult for them to comprehend what a woman has been through, not that they can’t. I say this from experience because my last boyfriend had a tough time grasping the lasting affects abuse had on me. He perceived it as “my baggage” that affected him negatively. I don’t totally blame him, because the sort of sensitivity it takes to understand my situation is barely talked about, let alone taught to men. It’s taboo, and swept under the rug. Women are victim-blamed instead of people knowing the psychology behind these kinds of complicated relationships.

So what exactly have I been through? I have lightly touched upon it in my blog before but I will completely divulge. Growing up my older brother physically and verbally abused me. He is five years older than me, six foot four and a bit of a heavyweight. He had ADHD, emotional and anger-management issues and a drug problem. He once picked me up and threw me against the wall in front of my friend for wearing my shoes inside the house. They were brand new, I had never worn them outside before. He once pushed me so hard against the floor that I threw up all over it. He called me fat everyday for years. He hated me, because I did well in school, and was treated slightly better because I wasn’t always getting into trouble. He once got so drunk that I locked him out of the house. I called the cops when he started breaking the glass in the windows to try and get back in. I was so afraid. I called the cops when he told me he was going to break my jaw because I believed he would. We’ve since made some form of peace. He has cleaned up and is no longer abusive. I tolerate him at social functions but we don’t have much of a relationship.

Later in life, my first boyfriend (surprise!) was an alcoholic. He became verbally and emotionally abusive, and eventually physically abusive. He guilted me for going back to school. He was worried I wouldn’t have time for him. Sometimes he would lose his temper and scream at me in public. He used suicide as a threat so I wouldn’t break up with him. He “attempted” suicide when I did. He pushed over my chest of drawers and stabbed it with a butcher knife until it broke into pieces. He threw a pint glass of beer directly past my face in a restaurant. The glass shattered and crashed on a wall behind me. That was probably the most fucked up and embarrassing moment of my life. He lied to me all of the time and cheated on me more than once. He once twisted my arm so hard behind my back I thought it was going to snap. He did that because he had me pinned to the ground as he was yelling in my face, and I tried to push him off.

I am not proud of any of this. I wish I never let any of it happen to me. But the fact of the matter is there is a reason why I and thousands of other women did and do. It’s not black and white. A man is never abusive at the start. Abusive men are very manipulative and charming. They often pick empathetic women who will feel sorry for their problems and who will want to help them. Of course I could have left, but abusive men have tactical ways of keeping the women feeling stuck. Sadly my accounts are just the tip of the iceberg for some women.

I took two years of being single to work on myself, and I am proud of how far I came. I lasted ten months in a long distance relationship where I actually trusted that person was being honest with me. I wasn’t perfect though and I wasn’t totally done dealing with the residual aftermath. I could have used some of this:

1. Don’t Take It Personally
If she is having problems with trust because she’s been abused, but you are trustworthy then understand the source and don’t take it personally. Give her chances to prove your trust. Listen to her. Is she saying you don’t act trustworthy or is she saying she is feeling triggered from an offshoot of her past that is making her anxious? Know the differences and not to take that on.

2. It’s Not An Excuse
She probably really wishes she doesn’t have these leftover problems. These problems aren’t some excuse. They are valid emotions, reasonable to have for someone who has had to deal with the brunt end of someone’s dark side. Respect her, and respect that it’s difficult to overcome these feelings. Validate her experience. Especially if she is trying.

3. Have Compassion
If you truly love a girl, you will feel awful that she has been treated that way. If you don’t, gracefully leave her before you cause more damage. As strong as she is for getting out of that situation, she is fragile and vulnerable too. None of this will work if you have no compassion for what she went through because you will not care. Dating or loving a girl who has been abused is not for the insensitive or selfish. You need to care enough about her to hold her hand while she gets through this.

4. Give Her Time
She isn’t going to get over it overnight. Don’t rush her or make her feel bad for having residual effects from the situation. She is only human and it takes some time. Remember, the abuser didn’t always treat her badly either. He slowly became that way, so now she might have a hard time knowing who will and won’t become like that too. “Don’t get to a point in the relationship where you become insensitive and never tell her to get over it because it was the past. this is something that has affected her life and unfortunately bad things that has happened to us clings to our memories.”

5. Don’t Blame Her
“Abusers are very good at the pulling, just as they are at pushing. As cruel as they are when abusive, they are also that intense in showing affection and love. They are also good at causing the abused partner to believe it’s their own fault. So the abused person ends up thinking if he/she says or does the right thing, he/she will be able to have the loving, passionate partner without the abusive part. It takes a long time to realize that the abusive traits are part of that person too, and that nothing is going to change things.” – In a forum on dealing with girlfriends who’ve been abused. This is a great explanation on how people become involved and stay with an abusive partner.

She can’t go back in time and take back what’s happened. You can only move forward now giving her the benefit of the doubt about what she put up with.

6. Treat Her Well
Compliment her and build up her self-esteem. One of the best things you can do for your partner is to talk positively about them to other people in front of them. She’s been treated like shit for too long and deserves some serious love. Be careful with your words. Don’t call her mean names, even if it’s casual and not meant to be serious. “The most important thing: respect her opinions, respect her boundaries, and never cut her down. Encourage her to use her voice and learn to trust herself again. ” –Pteromom (the same brilliant user on the forum quoted earlier).

7. Watch Your Temper
My ex tried really hard to control his temper with me and I really appreciated it. He once wagged his finger while he walked towards me though in a heated conversation and I almost shrivelled inside of myself like a human turtle Transformer. That’s all it took. The body stores physical memories and your body will have strong reactions to something that gives you a flashback. Be gentle with her. Don’t talk until you’ve calmed down.

Overall, in my experience, the lingering issues I dealt with were consciously irrational. On a logical level I understood that my partner was trustworthy, but the underlying doubt, fear and anxiety from my past sometimes had a voice of it’s own. Keep communication open and honest and hear each other.

You don’t have to baby her and give in to everything. She might still be wrong sometimes and you should discuss that. Asses the situations as they come and be mindful that someone she once loved made her question her whole being and love itself.

Girls: the ones who love you enough to stick around will be so much richer for it. You stayed with a toxic person because you have a lot of love to give. You’re probably really generous and borderline selfless for others sometimes. Once you give that to someone who deserves it, and appreciates it; who understands the hardships you endured, you won’t look back.

FUCK YEAH.

This article has the wisdom I’ve always tried to live by. Any of my relationships were an immediate attraction, and automatic reactions based on instinct. I didn’t have to think too much about it, it was natural. But only because they felt the same way as me.

I recently was lead astray from these rules I normally follow. The end result was pretty stupid. I slept with someone who wasn’t Fuck Yes about me (even though they acted like they were) and they slept with someone (me) they weren’t Fuck Yes about. Mistakes on both ends. The minute I realized I was basically trying to convince someone shit is real, the minute it completely isn’t. No one got time for that!

There’s lots of people who are Fuck Yes about this *points finger along body* and someone I am totally Fuck Yes about again too. So don’t waste your precious energy.

I’m Fuck Yes’ing this article.

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

P.s. Fuck Yes, improve yourself. But Fuck No, you’ll never be flawless. If someone can’t handle, have compassion for, give you time to work on or even accept and like your flaws that doesn’t mean you’re a poopy shithead who needs therapy. You might not even have to change much. It doesn’t necessarily make the other person an intolerant jerk either, as much as you might think so sometimes. It could just mean you’re not compatible and no fault needs to be given to either side. Respect your differences and move on.

Cookies: The Panty Dissolver

I love cookies. No that’s not a euphemism for them lady parts, although it’s really fun to call them that (…or my own personal favourite, little bunny ‘froufrou.’) I mean regular cookies, which are just as sexy and delicious if you ask me. My ex used this recipe and I probably would have dumped him sooner if he didn’t. Muahaha. But seriously, they were so good, that the first time he made them, I got so wet my panties dissolved. Unfortunately for him, his cookies can’t undo my dislike for him. Fortunately for me, I can still make my own goddamn cookies. And so can you. Panty dissolve away.

I highly recommend this recipe: Because science.

http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2013/12/the-food-lab-best-chocolate-chip-cookie-recipe.htmlr.

S-EX. [Sleeping with your X]

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This title makes me giggle like a little schoolgirl, the one in the slow class who just ran into a brick wall. You know exactly what I mean. If you don’t, you’re the saner of us all, who let’s face it, probably isn’t that great in bed. Or you just have amazing self-respect and boundaries…which probably makes you still not that great in bed. However most of us have lubed up and slipped down that slope. Why? “Good question!” She said quietly to herself in the confines of her white, hospital cell. Well, for starters, it’s naughty and that’s hot. For sloppy seconds, you already have chemistry with this person and have developed a sexual rapport. Practise makes perfect! It’s like when you go to your favourite restaurant and always order the lasagna because you already know how good it is and you’re afraid to try anything else on the menu in case you’re disappointed. I personally hate lasagna but still recently slept with my ex, go figure. There’s also something about knowing that these are the last dripping moments you’ll spend together. So you savour every bite, kiss, thrust and touch. Or, there’s a more dangerous and terrible reason to sleep with your ex. You want their metaphorical babies, meaning you never actually want kids but you’re still Lady Gaga over them.

Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Rama-ramama-ah GaGa-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance.

…I want to take a minute here to apologize for myself. Moving forward…

Yes. That is exactly what you should be doing! Moving FORWARD. Yet for all of those reasons above, I double dipped the chip and screwed my ex…multiple times. Like, I mean a lot. Of course I wanted to and I got something out of it, but there’s always ye old question for the ages of whether or not you regret it. People say “no regrets” but those people are delusional idiots doomed to repeat failure over and over again. Let’s be adults and accept that regret is real whether you recognize it or not, and that it’s a powerful tool for positive change.

So do I? I don’t regret having sex with him, no. What I regret is allowing him to presume it so readily like he was automatically allowed. He hadn’t been speaking to me for awhile before we saw each other, which was hurtful. The minute I see him before we even get a chance to really talk he is touchy and gropey and sending other men ‘back off’ signals. Then the next I saw him he was gracing me with his presence quite late at night. I may have wanted to eventually do the deed but he was none the wiser and his behavioural sense of entitlement without discussing with me first lacked respect and consideration for my feelings. I also just wanted to cuddle for the first night and talk first but he pressured me into going all of the way. Of course since I caved in and returned the affection before discussing all of this, it’s hard to go back and make the distinction.

So when should you rekindle the fire with an ex?

It might be difficult, but only after talking first. Make sure neither person is going to think that this is make-up sex, or if it is, that it is reciprocal. Otherwise a lot of salt can be rubbed in wounds that were trying to heal. While I was the one who broke things off at the start and I knew I wasn’t happy in the relationship, being with him clouded my judgement and overwhelmed my emotions. Mainly because I’m not a cold, detached man-eater. Of course sex can blur the lines. Some may secretly or subconsciously enjoy abusing this power, which is why talking is key. If both people are on the same page going in, then take the calculated risk. However feelings aren’t always rational. Be prepared to be supportive and understanding if the sex just confuses things anyways.

In my situation, when we reunited my ex and I had a great time together.We opened up and developed deeper communication between one another. We also went outside the box (literally, haha) of our normal nooky and sexually experimented, trying new things we had always wanted to but never did. The time we spent with each other brought us closer together, which made me question if this wasn’t something worth persevering for. He didn’t wonder the same thing as me. I felt stupid for about ten minutes before I realized that it makes me an open soul who isn’t driven by ego to allow myself to be so vulnerable. That it makes me kind, generous and loving to focus on the good and give people another chance. He stayed strong and logical for the both of us, which I appreciate. But that doesn’t mean I’m not pissed off at him at all for a bunch of other things 🙂 (Don’t worry though, I won’t be needing this site: http://www.exaholics.com/ …Omg, why? Never. This is enabling self-pity. Grow a pair.)

I mean, I sort of know what these babies on this site are ruminating about. For awhile I could only get off thinking about my ex. When I’m with someone I love, my sexual fantasies and desires become psychologically intertwined with that person and it isn’t so easy to shake it just because it’s over. I’m quite over that now thankfully. There’s something about how a person rejects you that can be such a turn off besides the obvious. The level of tact they use, their choice of words, their lack of grace. The same person who had just picked you up for a ride where they left off days earlier like a parked car. I’ve been forgiving of his self-righteousness but in the end that same self-righteousness was what was so unforgiving of me.

Despite this I am doing great. I realize I’m worth being with regardless of my imperfections, even if he might not always think so. I always have room to grow and change but even at my best I will never make everyone happy. To me it’s not whether you are foolproof. Everyone has their own issues. It is your willingness to work on yourself to be the best person you can be. As soon as one person is no longer willing to try it’s over. If someone disregards your willingness, it likely says more about them than it does you. Which is how I eventually became aware that I was getting upset with someone I didn’t want to be with for not wanting to be with me. Now I can totally focus on myself, my goals and my own happiness, and that’s the tits.

Overall you should carefully consider and weigh your options before getting caught into a Groundhog Day situation with your ex. If there are enough things to list that you dislike about them then sleeping with them might send the wrong signals and be an asshole move. Be aware of your effect on the other person, and don’t manipulate that to your advantage. If you feel weak, protect yourself and don’t allow them to push you one way or the other. If you are still in love with them, it’s probably in your best interest to keep your pants on. If you’re able to be honest with yourself then indulge, have fun, and enjoy it while you can.

How Burning Man Brought My Sexy Back

 

 “It may be a bit of a model paradise…but if you’re comfortable with yourself, everyone is the same.”

Burning Man. Burning? Man? It’s been a week since I left and I am still processing it all. What a whirlwind. People ask me, “So…! How was it?!” and my jaw hangs open as I stare blankly out into the muted abyss. “Oh, wow they really do do a lot of drugs out there,” they must think. That truth aside, it’s not just the drugs that has my face frozen like a comatose blow-up doll. Although well, let’s be honest, it’s a contributing factor. It’s mostly because of this psycho-babbling shindig in the middle of the butt-fuck, looney boonies, which might as well declare itself as it’s own planet, that has me dumbfounded even my second time around.

Some people refer to it as home. It truly does feel that way, with it’s magik and nonsense and all the freaking love shooting out of every crevice humanly possible. Or shooting into every crevice humanly possible, you know. So much so that it seems many people just live their lives until they can get back to the infamous Black Rock City again. Spending the whole year planning, building up to one godly week. I can relate to that to a certain extent, despite my withdrawal from it’s spellbinding allure (we need to see other people for awhile, Burning Man & I). Yet last year when the man burned I did make Burning Man New Years Resolutions like a true punch-drunk, hippie burner, and fuck, if I didn’t kick those goals straight through the net into the flaming man pile. (That sounds so gay and dirty and awesome. I lerves it.)

Burning Man can be very powerful, if you let it. It can act as a catalyst to many big life changes whether it’s your career or just a perspective that changes how you view the world. For some people it becomes a whole new way of life. For me Burning Man has been two bookends to a year of physical rejuvenation and a decision to dedicate health and fitness as a priority in my lifestyle…for good. Not only has this been mentally trying and emotional for me, but the struggle had an impact on my sexuality as well which isn’t much of a stretch if you think about it.

My whole life my weight has fluctuated, going from larger than I feel comfortable with, to curvy and toned. Whether it was my job, a bad breakup or getting stubborn and lazy, I kept taking away the work I’d done and giving in to emotional eating or circumstances. Part of it is due to an intellectual (and one might even say spiritual) battle with the hyper-imbued superficiality in our society. The problem I find with losing weight and becoming more physically fit is your idea of self worth. I thought it was really important to make sure before I lost the weight again that it didn’t mean I wasn’t already beautiful or okay the way I was. A woman’s worth can be heavily dictated upon their image and I didn’t want the fleeting nature of physical body changes to be something I relied on for strength. I mean, we all eventually get fugly to societies standards. Wrinkly and cankly, albeit rather cute if you ask me.

However, I am prone to bouts of depression and the one thing that has kept me from falling into a hole many times is exercise and healthy eating. I just feel better when I’m in good shape and my effervescence and confidence exude brighter because of it. I just had to get over the hurdle that people will view other people who take really good care of themselves as sexy, as annoying and inexplicable as that is to me sometimes. It’s biological, in sniffing out good candidates for offspring and for some random reason we as a species find it more aesthetically pleasing.

So last year, not being the shape I desired for myself and moreso disliking how I actually physically felt, I took a vow: to get back into shape and not let excuses bring me too far astray ever again. I lost 20 pounds in one year, the absolutely healthy and right way. After such a feat, I proudly flaunted my body the entire burn, and in return my joie de vivre was adored and loved and appreciated. I was stopped to be told I was beautiful randomly on the street, as people do there to everyone. But this time I felt it and accepted it. I had my own ass appreciation club and I actually didn’t mind one bit. I felt a tonne less (…ha ha) self conscious in front of the same sex partner I’ve had for the year which I really enjoyed. When you don’t care what your body looks like, you can go to a whole new plane of sensuality. You don’t even realize you were trapped until you’re transcending the bars that kept you.

It’s really not hard to relearn how to love your body at Burning Man. It embraces all shapes and sizes without judgement and supports your fragile, ephemeral human self in her warm, loving womb. Old men with saggy, dust-riddled balls and swelling beer gut galavant completely nude through the city, swaying to and fro and jiggling all over. And it’s fucking sexy. It may be a bit of a model paradise as well, but if you’re comfortable with yourself, everyone is the same.

The last night there, my friend CJ took some percocets to feel better…then consequently drank having been feeling much better. Not too great for the liver, but damn if she wasn’t loving her life. She swooned over me, spilling her heart and passionately kissing my neck, yet still somewhat timid of her new interest in women. While she uttered her jazz for Burning Man and everything it has done for her, she made a lucid revelation, “It’s not that Burning Man has changed me. It has just made me more of my true self and undone everything that I was changing for other people that wasn’t really me.” I found it a remarkable statement I could attest to, however brief, until she kept rambling about my soft skin asking people to kiss me and find out 🙂

Burning Man has helped me physically shed what wasn’t me. After a full year, I definitely feel more like myself, comfortable in my own body. Back in what burners call the “default world” of regular life, I am just me. I’m not consciously thinking about ‘me.’ I am just being who I am. My ego used to have more of a dialogue, but my mind is now gentler and more peaceful. I am content at simply living. I may eventually go back in later years but I have some new resolutions that will take some time first 😉 Namaste motherfuckers.

Epilogue

On a fun note, last year my given playa names were: Gnomes, Doctor Sexy, and Slutty McAidserton (ha ha ha)

This year my given playa names were: Gnomes, Kitten Trap, She-Rah, Fish Hook and Bootie Tang (I totally just made that last one up, but it should’ve been dammit!)

Footnote

I am sorry for not crediting any of this beautiful photography I was having a hard time sourcing it.

 

Is Feminist Porn Changing Sex?

Poorly shot. Degrading. Male-pleasure-centric. Fake. Phony. Cheesy. Bad dialogue. Unrealistic. Lewd. Disgusting. Oppressive. Manipulative.

These are some words you might have heard before when used to describe pornography, or perhaps some of these concepts have not yet occurred to you. Regardless, I am a female who really likes porn. Now that I need to make sure my mother never reads this, I will tell you that I sometimes watch it on my own or incorporate it into foreplay with a partner. Gasp! You mean I don’t think it’s the equivalent of cheating?! No boys, I think it’s just a substitute or a normal side-dish. Yet I have to admit, sometimes I need to put it on mute or fast-forward it. Just like stated above, it’s because the dialogue is really terrible. People get hot during this? The production value is really shoddy. Is the camera-operator also having sex? I think I am getting sea-sick. The plots, really, they are very unrealistic. Why doesn’t my plumber do that for how much I am charging him? Sometimes, I have to stop and change what video I am watching altogether. Why? Because I’m not really into over-sized muscle-men and fake breasts, or the moans are repetitive and unbelievable. These are some of the reasons why second-wave feminists have complained about porn for years. While I don’t wholly agree with them, it’s true that the origin of porn and most still to this day is, for and by, the men. So you can imagine, why I really like feminist porn.

So what’s the deal? Why do some women like porn and some women hate it? As complicated and convoluted as feminist theory can be, it’s really simple. Some women find power in owning and flaunting their sexuality while others think women are already too oversexualized in society and more than sexual objects. Some feminists believe equality is each gender’s right to be sexual in any way they desire, and some feminists believe sexuality is in some ways actually hindering equality. It’s what has been coined as the “Sex Wars”. So being a porn-supporter it’s obvious that I am what’s known as a “sex-positive” feminist of the third-wave. I’m actually in a picture on the link for sex-positive feminism (you can’t see my face). So while I respect any woman’s right to not behave in a way that doesn’t make them feel comfortable, such as not watch porn or not wear any skirts that go above the knee, I think the right goes both ways. I don’t believe porn will go away and I don’t think if it did that it would solve the root problems of inequality.

Neither did feminist porn filmmakers. Wait a minute, so some women like porn but what exactly is feminist porn? Well, finally, instead of condemning all men and women to a life of zero exhibitionism and even less titillating voyeurism, some brilliant, sex-positive folks thought, “Why don’t we just change what we don’t like about it?” Feminist porn is an authentic representation of sex. It’s about naturalism and acceptance of all kinds of sex. It incorporates or is often by a female perspective as to cater to both genders. When I went to the fourth annual Feminist Porn Awards in 2009 I, and hundreds of other people, watched a porn made of a man and woman in their sixties. It was elegant, and beautiful and definitely mind-opening to what porn is, should or can be. I spoke with Sonya Barnett, a Feminist Porn Award winner and all-around sex-positive crackerjack, on the subject, “We’re so used to seeing typical mainstream porn – one slim white girl getting bukkaked by 5 black men – and feminist porn is helping bring other representations to the fore. We’re now seeing more body shapes and colours and much more gender diversity: true queer porn {vs mainstream ‘lesbian’ porn}, trans; also differently-abled.”

Yet, the second-wave feminists still have their granny panties in a bunch. Perhaps because feminist porn is only recently becoming recognized on a more popular scale. For decades, porn has been a very limited view of sex, and while most grown men can differentiate the difference between reality and fantasy, many male virgins grow up watching the porn ideal not knowing the differences until later on in life. Not only can the predominantly large male penis size make them doubtful and insecure about their bodies, but their expectations of women can also be skewed. From how she should have her pubic hair down to her proportions. This kind of misleading propaganda can leave men and women frustrated with the differences. So what I’m trying to say is, porn is able to have an effect on sex. Women will simulate the noises and become adept in faking pleasure. How often do you hear a man ask a woman if the position is pleasurable or if he is doing it how she likes it in a porn? Not too often. It’s not exactly setting the perfect example for communication and consent.

But there is hope! With feminist porn on the rise, becoming more widely recognized and accessible we can fight the misconceptions one real boob at a time. Barnett’s feedback on her film has been “phenomenal” and “good feedback certainly propels me to keep shooting.” Her edgy, feminist film is also nominated at the Berlin Porn Film Festival in Germany and she plans to push her limits on her next project to shoot gay porn.

If feminist porn can be born, I believe in time, it can make an impact on ideas about sex altogether. Until then it’s important to fight for the right to enjoy porn in order to make it less incriminating. “Now that I’m the one in control of the camera, I can do whatever I want.” says Barnett. With women like Barnett in control, female creative expression can only continue to improve and make an impression on the viewer. Now, don’t do anything naughty while I take your temperature. The doctor should be in any minute.