I wish it was as cute as this. (Artist unknown)
“Jealousy.” Even the word is just yuck. The way it sounds is something reminiscent of jello and lice. To me it will always be one of the grossest human emotions of all time. The way it sticks to you and feels like gritty, unwashed teeth. How it bores a hole in your gut and gives you a dirty, queasy anxiety. Then there’s the guilt and shame associated with emoting such a negative stigma that most people seem to turn their backs against.
I have piercing bright green eyes and I have definitely been possessive, territorial and/or jealous more than once before. Sometimes I have felt that I am the green-eyed monster. The way it changes me and doesn’t represent my core values in relationships, like of autonomy, trust and compassion. Yet just when I thought I was struggling with something deep that would be very difficult to change, I’ve seen more than just light at the end of the tunnel. I’m warm, curled in the fetal position like a kitty on a windowsill, basking nude under a solar flare.
I can’t tell you how free I feel. I just had a reawakening. It can only be categorized as real love. What I mean by that, is an egoless expression of beauty and care for someone. I’m not saying I’m “in love” with this person, even though infatuation can feel like that sometimes. I’m saying I showed them true love as a human being. True love doesn’t know the word jealousy as I am beginning to understand. I experienced a desire to give someone full happiness which didn’t revolve around my sense of the self. It didn’t bear any weight on me, and in my fresh perspective it didn’t factor me in because it had nothing to do with me.
To explain, last night I had such a beautiful time with a gathering of gorgeous souls. In this friend circle, everyone’s light shines so brightly. Everyone appreciates each person a lot too, which magnifies it all times ten. I’ve been seeing an exquisite gentleman from this friend circle so he was present with me during the evening. Him and I had explosive cannon balls of fun. We took turns making out with girls. We kissed a girl’s mouth together at the same time. We split up, danced with other people, enjoyed ourselves to those people in the moment, and then reunited again. We told each other really nice things about one another. We told other people really nice things about them too. No, we weren’t on drugs. We appreciated women together and appreciated each other and then appreciated other men together too. I felt zero jealousy the entire evening. I didn’t scan the room to see if he was dancing with anyone. The green eyes did not flash once except in positive lust and admiration. He had randomly asked me, “What is okay? What will hurt you? How do you feel?” earlier in the night. I was surprised by my answers. However I was not surprised he asked. So far this man has been nothing but open, honest and considerate towards me.
For example, he had been seeing another lady long distance aside from me. He was seeing her before we met. And when we did randomly meet, he almost immediately told me about her so I knew his situation. Some would say that this kind of disclosure is completely unnecessary at this stage in time. Knowing this I still decided to see him. They weren’t monogamous and I respected their situation. Last night he told me they broke up. I hugged him. I consoled him. I told him I was sorry he was dealing with this loss. I had no satisfaction from their break up.
So one has to ask, what’s different this time? Is it me that has grown and changed or is it him as a person and our dynamic? I don’t like him less than anyone else I have been into but I have been far less jealous. After some scrutiny I have converged this little list of differing factors in hopes that if you deal with a jealous partner, or deal with your own jealousy yourself that this may give you some guidance and insight. I’m not saying if you have a jealous girlfriend this is how to get her to let you have a three-way make out session with that cutie you’ve noticed, but it could bring up factors in the relationship that are contributing to unease that you can improve on.
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1. I feel great about myself.
I have a strong, tangible vision of what I want of myself in the immediate future and I am working towards that diligently. I’m writing often. I submitted a grant application that took a lot of work. I have decided upon a day-job and vocation I feel positively about. I paid people back that I owed money. My photography is up for sale. I am working out like a beast. I love the way my body looks and feels. You can see it in my eyes and my smile. I have been showered with love lately by friends and strangers because that’s what I feel like I am putting out there. Two people last night said they’ve heard so many great things about me. It’s awesome. Basically in short, I’m doing something with my life so I feel fulfilled and purposeful and like I have a lot to offer. My own self value is healthy so I’m less afraid of others influence.
2. He feels great about himself too.
He is very passionate about his job and works hard. He runs crazy long-distance marathons up to 50km and plays on a sports team. He helps with cool art projects. I suspect these are some of the things that make him balanced with a good self-esteem. He has that chill, humbled confidence about him. Guys who don’t feel good about themselves, people who don’t feel good about themselves, are negative and usually likelier to try and provoke jealousy in weird, subconscious and annoying ways.
3. He appreciates me.
He thinks I’m lovely. Funny the same words I’ve used to describe him. He sends me texts the next day thanking me for little things I’ve done. He stops in the middle of sex to adore me a little and call me sexy or compliment something. He seems to build the people up in his life around him and say good things about them. His parents, his brother, his friends. If I compliment him he always compliments me back. I don’t need him to do that, but he’s being sincere so it feels good to know he feels the same way.
I know it sounds a little cheesy but he’s just nice and it gives me confidence in our connection. He’s also thoughtful which shows respect and consideration for my feelings. I haven’t felt like him kissing someone else, etc. is going to affect that.
4. He is super honest.
Trust is a huge factor here obviously. Through his actions I listed above I trust he does care about me and like me enough that he will consider how he affects me, because he already does. He gives full disclosure without me having to ask. I feel safe to rely on him.
4. He makes me feel generous and open.
Because he is so great to me, I want to make him happy. He hasn’t done anything that makes me feel wary, or guarded. I don’t feel as though I need to so strongly protect myself. He isn’t doing anything that hurts me or promotes insecurity, only the opposite.
5. I don’t have as much invested.
As much as I like him and enjoy him, I haven’t made any major sacrifices for him either. We haven’t made any commitment to each other which would raise the stakes. I do believe though that if we were to eventually (I’m in no rush, it’s great how it is right now), we have laid a solid ground work so far as a foundation. If I were to invest more time and energy and effort into him, I might feel more guarded and protective of my time, energy and effort. It tends to kinda work like that.
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Basically in short, because he always considers me and holds me in the light, I feel more like we are sharing in something when we are being sexually playful with others rather than him selfishly wanting it for himself and his needs.
To be clear some jealousy, depending on how it’s externalized, is natural and normal and can be dealt with if both people are mature about it. There’s a point where someone’s jealousy can get too far and become abusive. I personally find a little bit of jealousy adorable if it’s of the small-scale, innocent variety. I have compassion for it because I have been there before. But is the jealousy controlling your behaviour? Does it cause you to act in a way where you don’t feel like yourself? Or is your partner behaving this way? Then there are some things to consider.
It can be difficult to differentiate if it’s just you being jealous or if your partner is being disrespectful and provoking jealousy. Especially if someone who provokes jealousy gaslights you. Gaslighting is an emotionally abusive tactic where the person who does something wrong acts as if you’re crazy for saying so, and makes you doubt yourself. It invalidates your experience and confuses you. Be careful of these mind games.
It’s funny because I’ve noticed calling someone “jealous” can be a gaslighting tactic in and of itself. If someone is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, it’s much easier for that person just to say you’re “jealous” instead of change the behaviour that makes you feel awkward. No one wants to be the jealous person. It’s like calling someone ridiculous.
Take some time to yourself to think about it and weigh the options and then have a very honest conversation about it. In my experience it’s never just one thing. It’s a combination of factors. Like being insecure with myself and then also dating someone who did certain things that brought that insecurity out in me. So both people should be open to making changes if you want to make it work.
Sexual Appetite 